Small Shifts: Strength is in the Repair

It’s not whether conflict happens. It’s what happens after.

Even the strongest relationships have friction. What matters is knowing how to call out what isn’t working, and how to respond when someone else does. Win the point? Or strengthen your connection?

Trust, intimacy and deep partnership are built in the repair. 

How to do it better↓

WHAT HAPPENS AFTER?

Five Principles for Repair & Reconnection

Soften the Startup

How conversations begin predict how they'll end

Lead with your experience, not their flaw

"You never help" --> "I'm stretched thin and could use your help"

Address Behavior, Not Character

We can change what we've done faster than who we are

"You're harsh" --> "When you said that, it felt harsh"

Validate Before Solving

Feeling heard and understood calms us down

Agreement is not required

"I can see that was frustrating" --> Before smoothing, explaining or fixing

Own a Piece

Find your part in the pattern, accept influence

Even a touch of ownership lowers defensiveness

"I hadn't thought of it that way" --> relational gold...and costs nothing

Repair Quickly

Notice. Pause. Acknowledge. Reset.

Repair starts with awareness that sets up the action

Conflict rarely creates distance --> Unaddressed hurt does

Small repairs today keep larger stories from taking root.

Further Reading:

• John & Julie Gottman, Fight Right. A practical look at what helps in conflict—and what gets in the way. Focused on repair, not perfection.

• Matthew McKay et al., Messages: The Communication Skills Book. A straightforward guide to clearer, more intentional communication, especially when things start to go sideways.

About the Author

Karen Kushell is an Associate Marriage & Family Therapist and Associate Professional Clinical Counselor in private practice under the supervision of Dr. Brette Genzel-Derman, PsyD.

Karen’s style balances thoughtful exploration with practical tools to help clients strengthen agency, build insight and move toward change that feels authentic and sustainable. She sees individuals, couples and groups at the Innovative Group Psychotherapy offices in Studio City and via telehealth in the state of California. www.karenkushell.com